I always find other people's dreams interesting.

February 2nd, 2012 at 03:35:50 PM

"Dream from 2/09/2010-Postdate (2 days). Dystopia: Some sort of temple-like ruin, similar to a muddy junkyard with walkways that were once the tops of walls, sloping down to a constant & distant sunset frozen in space, a reddish hue in the distant landscape, but nothing but grey, black, & brown surround the scenario. Some sort of renegade gang groups to discuss their situation, regarding survival. Our hero, standing slightly & barely downhill of the others, looks straight up only to set his eyes on his first love, long gone, but watches her face as she speaks her mind...without surprise. She has clearly grown older, but without any discernible change to her figure. Perhaps in her mid-to-late 20's, as the length of her face showed. She wore a tight pony-tail, as she sometimes had done when they once knew each other. The distant, faint glow of the frozen, setting sun does little more than add a moon-like shine, very faintly, evenly upon them all, accenting her change from wispy silver glasses to a slightly thicker black fashion, resting on her small ears and the bridge of her gently sloping nose. The black frames only complimented her dark eyes & mocha skin tone, still fair & unbroken even in the abysmally grungy atmosphere. Her tight tank-top is a familiar sight, its' black material nearly mirroring that of her bra-straps, only slightly misaligned with those of her shirt. She's sitting atop a short wall, keeping her feet dangling but 18 inches from the ground, her somewhat baggy jeans clearly allowing the dark denim to cover any skin to her feet, adorned with black shoes with black laces. He does not seem surprised by her presence, nor she by his, but he simply listens to her with an urgency, as if the preacher were giving a life-saving sermon, and soaks in her words of wisdom, only to forget them shortly after. He isn't sure how long passes, but the dampness of the environment takes [its] toll as he finds himself somehow sliding on the slab of dirt he had just desperately needed to stand firm. Other slabs slide alongside, and he finds himself gently sinking as, in an almost sod-like fashion, patches of Earth slowly glide down the slope, carrying moss, grass, & weeds with them while leaving mere slimy mud in their wake. After almost 30 meters of a slow descend on the gentle slope, the clusters collect around him as the ground narrows out, and he sinks up to his waist. As unknown people approach, his legs contort in the sludge until he sinks to the top of his chest, bows his head, and hopes his uniformed cover helps disguise him as merely the top of a small mound. Perhaps 5, 6, maybe even 7 of these new characters walk directly across his limited line of sight & follow the contour of the heap to his right as a turn in their guerrilla-esque march, but the 3rd from last takes notice & hoists him out of his natural seat and escorts him with them...
I really need this dream analyzed."

My unsent text.

January 17th, 2012 at 12:25:11 AM

'Alright. I am going to try and spell out why the hell I'm so frustrated right now and send it to you in the morning. You don't seem to understand how close to the end of my rope I am. I have so much fucking shit going on right now. Kids to take care of, shitty fucking parents to be with, bills to pay, debts to pay off, a car to get,a different job to find, I have to figure out how to transfer my shit here so I can renew my permit and get my license, I have to figure out what I'm doing with school and if I'm gonna go here or in md, and on top of that how to get the fuck back to md. On top of all of that is the fact that I am emotionally damaged, I don't even know if I'd ever be okay if we have a bad breakup. My emotions keep shutting themselves off or going fucking haywire. I might actually be depressed, I'm not sleeping or eating well,I"m drinking a lot. I'm fucking lonely. I am so fucking ridiculously stressed. And the only good points in my life are visits from you and my friends. And talking to you and Mike. I am fucking confused. I care about you more than I care about myself. and you obviously don't. Because if you did you would want me to be happy no matter what, and you don't or you wouldn't be asking me to do this. Who gives a fuck if we had sex. I care about him and that has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is not stopping me from loving you or trying to be with you. Because if it did then I would just let you go and go date him. but I'm not. I'm trying to fix the shit between us, even at the expense of my emotional wellbeing. And I'm fucking frustrated because I'm trying like hell. I am being less insecure. Less whiny. Less needy. I don't get mad at you for going to an ex girlfriend's party without telling me, and trying to hide it. I barely even got mad when you treated me like shit for a full week because you were in a bad mood. I don't get mad when you get distant. I don't get upset that you get insecure. And out of all of this I feel like you're just not fucking trying at all. You're doing nothing. You're not trying to be less insecure. You're not trying to talk to me calmly when you're upset. You're not trying to keep your emotions under control. It doesn't even seem like you give two fucks about the shit I'm going through. You've just been telling me to deal with it more or less. and it's gotten to the point to where I'm so fucking tired and worn down with everything that life is deciding to throw at me that I don't even know if being with you is good for me anymore. I love you so fucking much. and the thought of losing you breaks me and makes me cry. but please, tell me, how is any of this even remotely fair to me? Do you want to know why he and I are so close? And why it hurts to push him away? Because he treats me good. He is an amazing fucking friend. He cares and he does whatever he needs to do to make me happy. It is obvious in everything he says and does that he cares about me more than himself. I have NEVER gotten that from anyone. With people that matter I am always the one that cares the most. And I feel like I deserve, no, after all of the shit I have been through, I feel like I have fucking earned the right for someone to treat me like I'm special, like I am a necessary and unremovable piece of their life. and you know what? I don't get that from you. I treat YOU like that, but it is not reciprocated. I love you. More than anyone or anything. But I am reaching my limits here. And you need to do something or I'm going to cut my losses and walk away. I will not fucking let you break me again. I will not be abandoned. I will not be left behind. I'm fucking tired. I'm so fucking tired. I want you to treat me like you've never had someone like me before and that the thought of being without me scares you to death. I want you to treat me like I'm special, like you couldn't live without me or at least that you wouldn't want to. I want to feel like I fucking matter. Like I'm irreplacable. I want this. I need this. And if that is not how you feel for me than you need to let me know right now. Because if you don't, then I am making a huge fucking mistake trying to be with you because I'm just going to end up heartbroken again. And I don't think I'll be able to fix myself after that. I'm too worn down. I can't even fucking explain it. Have you ever lost hope? Have you ever felt like you just don't have anymore to give? Nothing else to look forward to? That nothing is ever going to be alright and life is just gonna keep shitting on you and knocking you down and one day you're not going to be able to get back up and you're just gonna give in because there's no point. No point at all. You're never going to be happy and you should just learn to deal with it. I am right there. I am on the fucking edge. I can feel this huge unending abyss and I am on the ledge, hanging on by fingertips and just waiting for someone to pull me back up, but there's no one and I'm losing my grip because life just keeps fucking stomping on my fingers.'